Two steps forward, one step back

Two steps forward, one step back but DON'T STOP WALKING!

I took what feels like the 100th step back Monday of last week. After lots of stubbornness and determination and belief that everything was fine. I admitted to myself and my doctor that it's not, it's definitely not fine, right around the time I started bleeding again with each bathroom visit. Yup. "Two steps forward one step back." It wasn't a easy pill to swallow but I sorta saw it coming before my last infusion. Things just didn't feel right, obviously I was blaming stress and change and needing another treatment of meds. But I think I was starting to realize that this just wasn't quite the same y'know?

Medications fail for lots of different reasons, the medication I'm on in a biologic medicine so your body can produce antibodies that fight against it. That's what we think happened with me, as far as this particular med goes about 30% just reject it randomly. It's a high enough number and I just got to join it, lucky me. However this is tricky for me because the 2 main treatments for Ulcerative colitis have both tanked in effectiveness. Could mean lots of things; gotta be more creative in treatment, could be a problem with diagnosis, maybe we just missed something. So the Dr is having me undergo another colonoscopy.

A colonoscopy is where the Dr knocks you out and shoves a little camera into your colon. This way he can really see what's going on inside. It's messy and there is some specific preparation which is none too pleasant. The first time I had a colonoscopy I thought I was gonna die, no joke I really did. I was insanely sick and it was just an all around horrific experience. So I'm not too excited for this whole experience. But it does seem like the right course of action so there's some peace to be found in that.

Sometimes I just want to shout from the roof tops what's going on in my life and how hard it is and how empty I feel. But I don't.... instead I post a blog about it, and that helps. My advice for anyone else going through a 'one step back' moment is hang in there! Please, please hold on and don't give up. You can get through this and you will!! Even if it doesn't seem like it and it's hard to believe know that things will get better. In the words of one of my many favorite musicals remember, "the sun'll come out tomorrow."