admitting my problem

Okay y'all I'm depressed. Not like clinically... not on medication for it. But I have a bad case of "blue Christmas" without a doubt. How do I know this? Well....

I am sleeping a lot, I'm like always tried right now. And yes it can be health related also. I'm not motivated to do anything other than lay around in my pjs. Speaking of, I'm not getting dressed or "ready" for my day. I'm so sad and dissatisfied with my life right now. Even in happy moments it's only surface happy, you know? Like I show it but I don't really feel it. I'm sure it's related to the holiday season. 

This is a weird Christmas for me and my family. My sibblings aren't coming home so it's just kinda me and my folks. And it makes me sad and oh the lonely feeling right now. Then there's the whole end of year thing. You ever just feel 'blah' about the past year? Like what have I even done this year?

So basically I think this is very much situational depressed feelings... But they suck and I'm just trying to process so if it's all I write about for the next little bit now you know why. 

I wanted to try and end in a positive spin, yesterday I had a huge emotional breakdown. I was overwhelmed and we has some issues at home and it just became too much. And of course this happened right as my YSA group were all coming over. So needless to say I wasn't in the best place. When I finally went down to join the group I just want really feeling it. But I was doing my best... sorta. I was asked to give the closing prayer at the end and it became pretty obvious to everyone that I wasn't quite in the best place. So then a few sweet and wonderful things happened. 1st one of the guys (who is NOT) a hugger asked me what was up and then after fixing something's he gave me a hug before he left. It was such a huge moment, it really showed he cared. 2nd another of the guys, after we visited about some of what was going on, he offered some encouragement and then gave me one of his rocks! He'd brought them to show people and I'd mentioned I liked one. So he gave it to me! Honestly those are just a few examples, if you're struggling it's so important to surround yourself with people who love you. Everyone needs love and support and having good friends and family can help lighten your load. 

Hang in there friends! No matter what's going on right now, you can handle it. You're not alone! Try to see the good! 

Curable writing exercise 1

Discussing stress!

Make a list of moments of high stress experiences (often beyond your control) you wouldn't want another to face;

CHILDHOOD:

•bullying

•sibbling with mental health struggles

•death of a grandparent at a young age

•over focusing on weight at a young age

•better management of anger

•being more honest

ADULTHOOD:

•mission

•bullying/inability to stand up for self

•untreated/undiagnosed illness

•chronic illness diagnosis 

☆daily pain

☆loneliness 

•depression/anxiety

☆sibblings with mental health struggles  

Now list any self impossed pressures that can increase your stress:

•☆perfectionism/ high expectations 

•self doubt

•impatience with self

•people pleasing at own expense 

•bottling emotions

☆fear of vulnerability

•low self-esteem 

Read through the list paying attention to your body. Mark the ones that cause the highest physiological and emotional responses, we'll use them in later writing. 

Trying out Curable

If you live with a chronic illness or if you're a frequent guest of the doctors office than you've probably, at one point or another, been told, "Well, you might just need to learn to live with this." In my last post I expressed how much no one wants to hear that! Everytime I hear that I feel like I die a little inside, it hurts to imagine that this pain or this issue is something I just have to learn to be okay with. And sometimes it feels impossible to even imagine living one more day with this problem let alone another 50 years. 

So what do we do? Do we crawl into our beds and cry? Yes... well maybe if it helps you cope for the minute go for it! Do we scream and cry and ask "why me?" Probably... however this is less helpful even than staying in bed. What I believe we have to do is activate our inner Pollyanna. Get a little perspective! Be grateful for something, anything! And find a tiny sliver of hope and happiness. Then we get to work! If the doctor doesn't have the answer don't give up! Keep looking and searching! Be you're own advocate and find solutions even if they only work for you! 

This is where the Curable App comes in. I've been following Curable on Instagram for a while now and when I found out they have an app I was very interested. So I downloaded the app and I've been trying to use it regularly ever since! Curable is all about helping treat, manage and function with pain. It's basically like a pain clinic right on your phone! It offers education, meditation, exercises and writing. This is meant to be used regularly. I've really enjoyed it all do far. And I'm so excited to see if there is improvement!! I'll keep y'all posted! 

Things not to say

If I had to guess you or someone you know has a chronic illness, if not just wait this is a literal freaking epidemic! Ok. That was a bit dramatic. Where am I going with this?! Ahh yes that's right.... here is a quick list of things NOT to say to someone who has a chronic illness. 

1. You'll just need to learn to live with it. (Okay sure, why don't I just hire someone to hit you in the head all day with a mallet and you can learn to live with that, huh?)

2. Do you really need that medication? (Listen if I didn't need it I wouldn't take it, 9 times out of 10 the symptoms make me feel terrible but you know, I wanna live....)

3. So you're better now, right? (Listen, and I'll try to make this simple, chronic=forever. You're welcome) 

4. Have you tried..... (If one more person suggests CBD oil, essential oil, some medication they heard about on a commercial or a "cure all diet" I. WILL. CUT. YOU.) 

5. Oh but you're so young. (Yeah the thing is they must have forgotten to I.D me before handing out the illnesses. And yes, I truly appriacte the reminder that I have tons of time to "learn" to deal with these problems)

6. Why are you always tired? (Because my body is always trying to kill itself, sorry if this inconveniences you) 

7. Well you don't look sick. (You're not wrong, I try my best to keep the zombie buried deep inside) 

8. Why can't you do.... (Listen sometimes it's that I can't, sometimes it's a choice of what thing I want to do more. But beleive me I'm trying)

9. You must be so strong to deal with this (I know you mean well, but I don't feel strong, I don't love the idea that because I'm "strong" somehow that makes my struggles okay. Honestly they suck and I'm exhausted and I don't want to be the "strong" one anymore) 

10. But how are you really? (I know you mean well, and this is your way of showing it. But if I say, "I'm fine" there's a reason! *stay tuned for the 10 things "I'm fine actually means") 

11. I understand... (Listen I get it you want to empathise with me, but you don't understand. Okay? You just don't know what this is like and it hurts to be reminded of that)

The thing to remember everytime someone says one of the annoying things to you what they are trying to say is: I care about you. So try to resist the eye rolls ;)

And maybe send them this; a quick list of 5 things that we (well, I) actually like hearing:

1. I like you're Pjs 

2. Oh, I've never heard of [your illness] can you tell me what it is? 

3. Want me to get you your hot pad?

4. Do you want to talk about it or be distracted from it? 

5. Would a hug help?

Honestly compassion (not pity there is a huge difference!) and kindness will always be effective. And when in doubt just listen, more often then not we'll tell you want we need. Hang in there friends! 

It's Qulaitiy not Quantitiy that matters

So let me share a long held debate that's been happening in my family recently, it's all about scripture reading (yup not politics or ethnic or anything else....) 

See when my siblings and I were growing up we'd read scriptures every night with my parents and we usually read an entire chapter. Since I've come home from my mission we alternate sometimes we read a whole chapter sometimes just 15 verses (there's only three of us now) but we pretty much always read which in my book is the most important thing. Not so much with my parents. See they frequently debate are we reading enough. Mom will say something like couldn't we read more and then Dad gets stressed and overwhelmed. Then the next night Dad us stressed about how much we are or arent reading and Mom getting defensive and it's just silliness y'know? 

So last night I had a little mini-epiphany; does God ever give us a number of how much we need to do I mean I've not looked everywhere but I'm pretty sure there isn't q list that says:

-daily prayers (two, five if meal prayers included)

-scripture reading (1 chapter, 2 if seeking greater blessings)

-service (45 min, helping old ladies cross the street recommended)

I mean can you imagine if there was something like this out there?! I mean maybe it would be nice I would definitely know I wasn't making it to heaven so that would be a load off I guess. But guess what?!  This is not how God works!!! There is no master list or point system!!! 

I occurred to me that it's not so much the quantity of our Obedience that matters it's really about the quality of our Obedience. God doesn't say read 2 chapters a day He says read scriptures daily and ponder them. God doesn't give us a number of prayers to pray, he asks us to communicate with him through prayer open and honest and then listen for him to answer us. 

I remember a conversation I had with a struggling companion on my mission who just could grapple with exact obedience and being a "consecrated missionary" (Just imagine super stressed perfectionist missionaries that's what I served with haha!) I read her a scripture: 

Mosiah 5: 2 "And they all cried with one voice, saying: Yea, we believe all the words which thou hast spoken unto us; and also, we know of their surety and truth, because of the Spirit of the Lord Omnipotent, which has wrought a mighty change in us, or in our hearts, that we have no more disposition to do evil, but to do good continually" (italics added for emphasis) 

See this is conversion, it's about our hearts changing and with it our true desires. After that the actions will follow automatically. 

So if you feel like your obedience is lacking maybe instead of trying to gauge if the quantity is enough look at your heart and your desires and the quality of your choices. 

Two whole years, can you believe it?

So today I got a very excited Marco Polo from my MTC companion. She was happily wishing me congratulations at our mutual anniversary of coming home from our 18 month mission in Jacksonville. Yup! Two years ago today I was flying home emotionally and physically exhausted after giving my all for 18 months serving the wonderful people of Jacksonville. And "celebrating" being home for two years doesn't really make me feel very happy. Let's do a quick side my side of me and my MTC companion:

Companion: 

Moved out of parents house, happily married, expecting 1st baby, working from home, cute rental house (you get the idea #perfect)

Me:

Lives in parents basement, haven't been on a date since last Dec, working part-time if lucky, sick constantly (but at least that's consistent)

I'm sure from that breif picture you get the idea why I wasn't loving the idea of "celebrating" two years home. I mean I spent the day at the dentist finding out that I might have some autoimmune mouth disorder or something and the evening icing my swollen painfull hand wondering what's up with that new problem. She spent this evening celebrating Halloween with her sweet in-laws. Now please don't misunderstand!! I am so beyond happy for her! She's one of my very best friends and I love that she is so happy and fulfilled and blessed. I know she works hard and faces her fair share of trials. It's just on days like these I start to wonder what on earth God's plan is for me. 

Sometimes it feels like He's up there doing a evil chuckle and having this type of conversation with his angel buddies;

God: So how's Onaleigh doing down there on earth?

Angel: She's doing pretty well after the whole chronic illness bomb we dropped a few months ago. 

God: So she's starting to figure things out, dealing with pain well, you know starting to feel hopeful again?

Angel: Yeah she's really risen to this trial, I think she's gonna be just fine! 

God: Oh great! So now I'm thinking we throw down some problems with her hand, pretty basic just make it hurt randomly and frequently oh! Definitely whenever she's baking or you know using it to do anything that makes her happy.

Angel: Excuse me what now? 

God: No, no trust me on this she's gonna learn a lot and she'll definitely rise to this one too! 

Angel: So like this is it though,  right? I mean she's good now on the whole trials thing, at least for a year or so?

God: Mhm... I mean maybe, but probably not. I'm thinking we go after her teeth next after that I'm sure we'll find some new medical mystery. And then there's always her social life can you imagine trying to get her on a date? I mean come on! Isn't this so fun?! 

*And scene* 

Okay that was sassy and honestly I don't think God gets a kick out of my suffering (most days) but sometimes I just wonder you know? Like maybe a few years or months ago I was at a cross roads and it was like left leads you to marriage, baby and happiness or you choose right and you get health challenges, emotional distress and "a great personality." Obviously the correct choice was left but I went right and now look at this pickle in I'm! Or maybe it's all you know, "This is a good thing, think how much your learning." "This will be a blessing later in life." "Just think it could be much worse." Which honestly doesn't make me feel much better. I just really don't understand why. 

Why is this where I am in life? Literally what is the point to all this? Will it ever end? Does it get better? Do you actually have a plan or are we like rolling dice and guessing as we go? 

Sadly this post, like those questions that will go unfinished because I don't have the answers. (Shocking I know!) I'm trying to trust, which is the literal worst. I'm trying to be patient, which feels almost impossible. I'm really trying to be positive, cause that's what your supposed to do. And mostly I'm just trying to be happy, but it's not always easy. I know eventually I'll figure this whole thing out, probably when I'm 90 (but at this rate who knows if I'll even get there! Haha) and don't worry when I get some answers I'll definitely let you know. Until then, just keep hanging on! 

Never good enough

The realization hit me last Sunday that I will never be good enough to go to Heaven. I felt totally overwhelmed and unsure of what to do. I want to go but I will never measure up to the requirements that allow me to go to Heaven. 

But isn't that the point? This isn't a ride at Valley Fair with a 4'3" height requirement or you cant ride the rollercoaster. This isn't a club where you have to meet certain criteria to join the club. This IS Heaven! 

No one anywhere will ever at any point will "qualify" to enter Heaven. So sorry to break this new to you. This is the entire reason we need a Savior! Because God knew that without divine help we would never be able to return to him.

But then you ask why are there commandments? If Jesus is the way and all we need is to accept Him to get to heaven what the point of everything else? Great question!! Here's my thought: Just because there aren't requirements to attain a spot on Heaven there are certain ways we can show that thats where we want to be. By our Obedience we show God that we will follow him, and that we want to follow him. But you counter we can want to follow someone and still not actually do it. But isn't that the true point? As we learn to love our Father in Heaven and as we recognize that we have been saved by Jesus Christ our heart will change. Over time our understanding of  commandments changes, we know they are opportunities for blessings and we know they are guidelines to protect us. Then when we are asked to give and serve and do within the church our willingness increases because it's a chance for us to show how much we love Him and his children. 

We will still fail. We will still never do enough our bodies and minds will limit what we can do, or think we can do. Even though our desires will be there our actions will never measure up. But Christ and His atonement steps in and saves us. It saves us despite our weaknesses. So if you feel you've failed don't give up! Rely on the Savior and trust his ability to save. 

Flare-up Rules

So you're in a flare up, it sucks obviously, but what do you do now? Here are some hard and fast rules that have helped me! 

1. You can only call out sick from work IF you have diarrhea, are vomiting, or have a fever. They need you to be there, and you can do this!  

2. You have dietary restrictions! Corn will end you! Dairy is a no-no! So JUST SAY NO!

2.5 You must eat food everyday! Your body needs to be fed, find something it will eat! 

3. You must brush you're teeth and put on deodorant EVERYDAY! Changing clothes is optional changing underwear recommend. 

4. You have to get out of bed everyday. No specific requirements on the amount of time spent outside of bed and you can get back in it however often as you need too. 

5. You must see and feel the sun everyday! Through your bedroom window doesn't really count and you know that. Go get some of that D! 

6. Be nice to someone everyday! Kindness counts and will make you feel a little better. 

7. You are not allowed to wallow! Cry about your afflictions for a moment feel  all the sorrow and suffering, and then remember that the sun still shines and tomorrow will be better than today. 

Watching the worst teen rom-com

So today I saw that Netflix (bless them for we are eternally grateful) has a new teen rom-com out. Now I am about as hopeless as a "hopeless romantic" can get. It's becoming a strange addiction and one day I might get help but for now I feed that little addiction whatever it wants! #bingethoseflicks So yes I've watched just about all the teen rom-coms Netflix has offered me. To all the boys I loved before? Yes please! The kissing booth? I vomited watching it, there were so many red flags I about died. The perfect date? Ehh, it definitely struggled but won me over in the end. Sierra Burgess is a Looser? I'd have to agree she isn't the greatest and that was painful to sit through, never again!

And now we have Tall Girl. Honestly the premise seemed kinda cute but holy freaking cow dramatic much? The girl is 6' 1" and literally acts like her life is over. Yeah yeah I get it she's bullied and apparently her father has never seen a tall girl so he's a wack-nut. I mean come on! "No one makes heals in my size" lies. "I'm too noticeable being this tall" yeah? Who cares! "No guy will ever ask me out because I'm so tall" disregarding the fact that there is an entire male character whose existence is there solely to ask her out and be the "nice guy".  There were maybe 3 redemptive moments in the entire movie:
1. The super adorable black BFF who was 100% confidence and 100% done with your sh*t. Literally in her first introduction you see her standing up for a defending her best friend only to get written off and ignored the entire rest of the movie. Even by the lead who goes as far as to act hurt when she's blowing her friend off and gets told that validation from men is worthless. #preachsister And they didn't even bother to have a redemptive arch for the friendship they just sort of glazed over the fight and drama.
2. The father's redemption, as I afore mentioned the father was sorta a nut. He totally overreacted to the height of his daughter and spent most of the movie making things infinitely worse. His redeeming moment came after *spoiler alert* the "tall girl" gets stood up by her love interest. Dad goes up to her room and knocks on the door and says to the affect that no matter what he loves her, and he's here for her. It was so sweet. Then they played a little piano duet it was so sweet and tender. I love a good father daughter moment.
3. Number 3...... ya know what? I don't even think there was a 3rd redeeming moment! Haha! At least not one I can remember.
Honestly if you liked the movie great! I'm happy for you. These are just my personal opinions! So no offence meant!!
I just am so tired of these sad soggy chick-flicks. I'm tired of them force feeding me that nice guys are always the better choice but no girl will notice until she interacts with the hotter guy who turns out to be a total jerk. I'm tired of these ridiculous parents and families that could be so great and supportive. Basically I'm tired of these 1 dimensional character and plots that just leave me disappointed. What I'm learning is chick-flicks are a dime a dozen but the real good ones you gotta work to find.
Now excuse me while I go watch Sleepless in Seattle to work through my feelings.

Wisdom of a Child

"But what's their name?" These were the wise words spoken by my favorite four year old.

We were driving in my car and someone in front of me did something stupid and the people behind me were upset and there I was in the middle of it. So after everything was sorted out I let off a little road rage. Nothing nasty, no cursing, believe me I was very aware of my copycat four year old in the car. However she still noticed my upset and simple asked why? So I did my best to explain the situation, in the language of a four year old, she seemed to understand and I felt quite proud of my ability to justify my upset. Then she asked me the most profound question, "But, Onaleigh, what's their name?" I quickly clarified whose names she wanted to know and she explained she wanted to know the names of the people I was upset with. After I explained I didn't know she gave them her own made up names and moved right along with the conversation.

But I have really been struck by my four year olds question: "But what's their name?" I mean I knew nothing about these people, not even the most basic info such as their name, and yet I had jumped to conclusions that they were nasty people, so impatient and rude. All because they made whatever dumb driving decisions. And it struck me how often I jump to conclusions about people who I don't even know. I don't think I'm alone in this weakness, I know a lot of people who struggle judging those they don't know. And in many ways society kind of teaches us to judge and be critical of everyone, people we know, people we don't, even ourselves. It's a toxin and it's killing us! So next time someone cuts you off or does something that make you go *ugh* think of a cute little blonde 4 year old asking:
"But what's their name?"

Welcome to my brain, there is no explanation

Been a while since I posted and I feel like all my loyal readers must be devastated without my wit and charm. (Hahaha JK I know no one reads this, that's the point!)
So this is just gonna be an example of some of the thoughts, and how they change, that pop into the head of someone with chronic illness!
#bulletpointlist

•We've all seen the commercials for medications when watching the TV.... you know: "Talk to your doctor about 'xyz'.... see if 'xyz' is right for you today!" And then the list of side effects that often feels longer than the positive part of the medications commercial. Now confession time! I loved making fun of those commercials! I know!! I know... literally why! But the fact is most people have snarky comments in response to those commercials: "Why don't they just come right out and say this might make you better or it could kill you?" Or "those side effects sound so much worse than the problem!" Or my favorite "I would rather be sick than take a medication with those kinds of side effects!" And I was so here for this! I was on this toxic bandwagon! #shameonme The thing is now I'm the sick person who is literally grasping at straws some days looking for anything that might stop the pain or make me healthy again. Literally willing to try just about anything! And yes the medication I take have a huge list of side effects you know things like: fever, headache, chest tightness, heart failure, lupus-like symptoms and you know certain types of cancer! Fun right? But here's the thing! It works well enough that I'm willing to take that chance! And honestly yes you need to be aware of what side effects can come with your medications! It's your body, your health and you have to take charge! But it's heart breaking that "healthy" people feel the need to mock and judge those who are willing to try anything to be healthy! This is truly something you just don't understand until your in that boat.

•Farting in front of your SO. Okay so I'm a huge fan to Queer Eye and I love the #fab5! They are such positive icons for our society and I just adore them! However I was watching an interview where they give advice to those getting excited newly weds out there. And they (minus Karamo) literally went off on how you should never pass gass in front of your spouce. *insert best Jonathan voice* Oh no Honey! My anxiety went from 0 to 60 in a snap! As someone who has a "bathroom disease" and everything that comes with it: diarrhea, bloating, gas, pain and general discomfort, etc. Hearing people talk negatively about completely natural body functions, that for me are often unnatural, as if they are gross or somehow wrong is so so SO toxic! This is literally for everyone not just those with Ulcerative Colitis. I'm talking about how we get grossed out about body hair (yes I choose to always shave my pits but legs not so much), or how we shame women over their menstrual cycle (you have the ability to carry life inside of you so you  rock your cycle honey!), or how we feel like it's somehow wrong or absolutely disgusting to pass gas. But wake up America! These are normal functions of the human body and creating toxic stigmas about those normal functions need to stop! If your not comfortable around your SO to allow your human body to function normally I would encourage you to think about why that is and if it's to maintain your attractiveness or to hide your authentic self for fear of rejection than there is some toxins in your mind and heart and even your relationship and I would encourage you to address these because only on authenticity can you find true healing. (Also just to clarify! I am totally fine with the #fab5 feeling this way, and anyone else for that matter! I still absolutely adore these guys! #nohatehere)

•Finally let's talk about the elephant in the room of so many ill individuals! The cost of pharmaceuticals is ridiculous! Honestly being sick has seriously killed my bank account! Every medication, procedure, treatment, test, doctor visit, literally anything health related cost money! And the sad part is in a sick person's life their income is usually already hurting because of being sick now they have to pay to be well. It's so sad and for some it can really lead to some serious depression and despair for your situation. Now I am going to acknowledge my blessings (or privilege, call it whatever you want) I have decent insurance and my parents are happy to help pay for my co-pay and so a lot of my cost is pretty well covered. But I do see the strain that this causes my parents as they face financial challenges. Let me give you an idea of what I mean in the form of a little story:
I was recently placed on a new medication in the form of a suppository. And it is a very expensive medication thankfully insurance covers a lot of it. But it's still pricey for just a 30 day supply. It was late the other night and I needed to place my suppositpry before I went to bed and I went to put it in and I'm sitting on the toilet and after I place it in my rectum just absolutely rejected it and out it fell into the toilet!! (now thankfully I had already gone to the bathroom and flushed so it was just the bowel and water, but still...) And I stood up and totally freaked! I needed to get that suppository out of the toilet and where it needed to go!!! Under no circumstances was I willing to even entertain the idea of letting this one go and getting another one. So I'm rummaging in desperation looking for something, anything literally anything, to get it out of toilet. I got nothing! Nothing! I've never been more ashamed of my bathroom. So I just went for it. I shoved my bare hand into the toilet and grabbed my suppository right out of the toilet I rinsed it and my hand off quickly and inserted it, thankfully that time it took. And as I'm washing my hands off it dawns on me what I've just done. I willingly shoved my hand into the toilet to get something out of it to put into my body. I had a good laugh and obviously told my mom the whole story immediately following.
The sad part of the story is I justified my actions because of the expense of the medication. And some people face much worse because they are desperate for treatment and the chance to be well, literally just so they can live.

Well we're done now. My mind finally feels quiet. (Maybe it's the Nyquil, I'm writing this while facing some sort of head cold allergy situation #notfun) Hope you enjoyed this peek into my brain! Remember: choose kindness first!

The blessings of bread

Recently I had the opportunity to go and visit Old Nauvoo. It was a wonderful experience for many different reasons!! But more on those in another post!

For this one I'd like to tell the story of Sister Hansen (: While in Nauvoo I got to go to the Temple on multiple occasions. The first day I went with a friend and met Sister Hansen. We visited and chatted about our interests and goals and after learning my desires in the baking world offered me a recipe for English muffin bread. She said she would bring it on Friday, our final trip to the Temple, however we didn't really make any plans beyond that.

Friday came and off to the Temple I went with my friends. It was quite the fiasco getting there that day and getting onto a session! We ended up attending another sealing session and right as we walked in there was sweet little sister Hansen sitting right there. We were able to visit with her and afterwards she introduced us to her husband, who was just as sweet as she is! It was wonderful to be reunited and was a sweet moment to be reminded of God's love for us. He truly does lead and guide us to be the places we need to be so we can meet those who need to have a hand in our lives. I truly believe we needed to meet sweet sister Hansen and feel her love for us.

Oh and don't worry I got her recipe! Thought I'd pass it on for all of you to enjoy.

Ingredients:
5 C. Flour
4 1/2 t. Yeast
1 T. Sugar
1 t. Salt
2 C. Warm milk
1/2 C. Warm water
Corn meal for sprinkling the pan and tops of loaves

Directions:
Mix together half the flour with yeast and sugar. Add the warm milk and water (approx 105-110°f), mix to combine and let sit for 5min, to bubble.
And the remaining flour and salt. Mix until well combined. Divide into two loaves.
Place into two greased and corned meal sprinkled loaf pans. Sprinkle tops of loaves also. Allow to rise until doubled in size.
Bake at 375° for 35-40min. Let sit 5 min and remove from pans allow to cool completely on wire rack.
Slice and serve toasted with butter.

Two steps forward, one step back

Two steps forward, one step back but DON'T STOP WALKING!

I took what feels like the 100th step back Monday of last week. After lots of stubbornness and determination and belief that everything was fine. I admitted to myself and my doctor that it's not, it's definitely not fine, right around the time I started bleeding again with each bathroom visit. Yup. "Two steps forward one step back." It wasn't a easy pill to swallow but I sorta saw it coming before my last infusion. Things just didn't feel right, obviously I was blaming stress and change and needing another treatment of meds. But I think I was starting to realize that this just wasn't quite the same y'know?

Medications fail for lots of different reasons, the medication I'm on in a biologic medicine so your body can produce antibodies that fight against it. That's what we think happened with me, as far as this particular med goes about 30% just reject it randomly. It's a high enough number and I just got to join it, lucky me. However this is tricky for me because the 2 main treatments for Ulcerative colitis have both tanked in effectiveness. Could mean lots of things; gotta be more creative in treatment, could be a problem with diagnosis, maybe we just missed something. So the Dr is having me undergo another colonoscopy.

A colonoscopy is where the Dr knocks you out and shoves a little camera into your colon. This way he can really see what's going on inside. It's messy and there is some specific preparation which is none too pleasant. The first time I had a colonoscopy I thought I was gonna die, no joke I really did. I was insanely sick and it was just an all around horrific experience. So I'm not too excited for this whole experience. But it does seem like the right course of action so there's some peace to be found in that.

Sometimes I just want to shout from the roof tops what's going on in my life and how hard it is and how empty I feel. But I don't.... instead I post a blog about it, and that helps. My advice for anyone else going through a 'one step back' moment is hang in there! Please, please hold on and don't give up. You can get through this and you will!! Even if it doesn't seem like it and it's hard to believe know that things will get better. In the words of one of my many favorite musicals remember, "the sun'll come out tomorrow."  

20 things to do on the toilet

Having a chronic illness that attacks your bowels leads to plenty of toilet bonding time!! Here's a list of 20 things you can do while you're chillin' on the can:

1. Read the back of every shampoo bottle in your shower
2. Sing the entire Bohemian Rapsody (quality is not part of this discussion)
3. Call a friend or family member for a chat
4. Write a blog post about what to do when you're stuck on a toilet *wink-wink*
5. Scroll through any and all social media
6. Reply to your emails
7. Watch an episode of your favorite show
8. Post something motivational to your social media
9. Make today's to-do list
10. Ponder your place in the universe
11. Practice a foreign language on Duolingo
12. Memorize pi (yes the number)
13. Read a new book
14. Watch an assortment of random YouTube videos
15. Brush your hair 100 stroke
16. Moan and groan about your bowels
17. Pet your poochie
18. Cancel plans for the day
19. Plan your wedding on Pinterest
20. Yell, "I'll be done in a minute!" To the hoard banging down your door

What would you add to the list?

Chronic illness 101

Some of you may wonder, "Mhm, how does this whole chronic illness work? What does it really mean to have a chronic illness?" Well here come chronic illness 101, the funny, the sad and the real life truth!

First off chronic illness means that you get to enjoy this for the rest of forever. Yup! You're one of the lucky (or is it unlucky, I can never remember) ones. You might get better, for a while, but it never truly goes away. And living with chronic illness includes the forced smiles and mumbled "me too" when people say: "Aren't you better yet?" Or "that's interesting" when someone, with a fast medical degree from the university of the Google "I heard that if you do X Y or Z you'll be cured" Now don't get me wrong folks, they have the best intentions but they don't quite get it. So a healthy ability to nod and smile is a must for anyone with a chronic illness.

Second planning is key! You will have bad days or weeks or months at time and you need to have an action plan for that. Mine includes an assortment or comfy pjs, an understanding workplace, the go to "fix its" like: a hot bath or eating nothing but rice and maybe an egg for the day, and most important an easily accessible bathroom! Now everyone's action plan will be different and needs to meet their needs and their chronic illness specifically. Even if you and your neighbor have the same diagnosed illness your specific symptoms and struggles would be different so therefore custom action plans are essential.

Third adjust ALL expectations! This is an absolute must for anyone living with a chronic illness. For example at one point during my chronic illness diagnosis journy I wasn't really capable of eating and was dropping weight rapidly so my expectation was to eat something, literally ANYTHING, everyday. This points out a key aspect of expectations as your situation changes so must your expectations. I also encourage kindness first in setting expectations for yourself. You know yourself well you know your capabilities and you know when you're throwing in the towel or overdoing it so honesty with yourself is also key. Finally never feel like you have to justify your expectations for yourself, becuase you don't have too end of story.

Fourth find humor in your situation. I can't think of anyone who finds poop jokes quite as funny as someone living with UC. My family has figured this out and let me tell you nothing makes me happier than getting a poop related meme sent to me. This is not to say that you aren't allowed to have hard moments and cry or pout or shout or whatever you do to express your very real emotions. But being able to find joy and humor in all the odd moments is a super healthy coping mechanism. Full disclosure I have a secret Pinterest board dedicated to amusing poop memes!! So laugh out loud and laugh often, it really is the best medicine.

Finally surround yourself with good people. This can be one of the hardest parts but your life is already hard enough if there are negative people who leave you drained and unhappy after you spend time together cut them out! That sounds harsh sorry just leave that person as a Facebook friend only. As someone who lives with chronic illness you need people who are givers not just takers. You need to be needed, we all do, but you also need people who are willing to cancel plans and just hang at your house while you nap. You need people who see a need and fill a need. Hopefully at least one member of your family is included in the good people group but if not that's okay, people can change don't give up on them. (This is literally why we have facebook) But for now find those good people and keep them close.

In essence having a chronic illness is hard and yet wonderful at times (did you sense the touch of sarcasm? It was definitely there). Maybe this has been informative, maybe someone actually read this (hahaha,now that's funny), maybe this is something that inspires or helps you. I sure hope so!! 

My skin hurts

So the title is pretty much the gist of this post. My skin hurts and it's the worst!

So something that brings an added measure of unique to my chronic illness life is that I have been soft diagnosed with Pyoderma gangrenosum. Basically it's another inflammatory illness and it causes skin ulcers. The ulcers can appear anywhere however mine are typically on my chest which is very sensitive and causes some lovely scars. Also pro-tip don't Google image this, it is terrifying and also nasty so take my word and just don't.

Anyways, I say soft diagnosed because by the time I finally got it looked at it has healed over enough that the dermatologist didn't want to biopsy it and cause it to reopen. These ulcers have a tendency to not heal, like ever. So she just looked at symptoms and such and said it is likely pyoderma gangrenosum. And oddly this has some connection to ulcerative colitis and crohns disease. Doctors don't fully understand this connection but it's a thing regardless.

And as of lately the scar on my chest has been bothering me. Now it's starting to look a little open and sore and the pain is awful. I mean the lightest touch is so incredibly painful! And boy does this bring out a host of pity party moments... yeah. The thing is in some ways I'm really grateful. Every time I feel like I'm making really progress I feel like I slide right back down the hill. And I'm grateful because I have so much help. Can you imagine dealing with all this chaos and drama solo? I certainly cannot. And so I am grateful for the support team I have been blessed with. I'm also grateful for each hard moment becuase it makes the good moments so, so much sweeter. It's like night and day difference! So perspective is always a positive thing.

Anyways, if you're hurting and struggling hang in there. Have peace. Hold on. You got this!!! Try to have perspective and believe things will get better.

Social media and the lies we tell oursleves

Let's set the scene, if I had to guess it's pretty familiar to most of us: it's early in the morning, maybe you just woke up, and you pull out your phone. You open Instagram or Facebook and start the 'oh so important' scroll, pause, double tap 'Like' over and over again. Then you see it: the happy couple announcing, "We're pregnant!" Or the new couple announcing, "I said yes!" Or the independent and free-spirited young adult, "Europe here I come!" Or my personal favorite the glowing mom of 3 who writes, "Everything is better organic!" You feel it yet? The sinking dread, the heavy hopelessness becuase they are so happy, their lives are so perfect, they have better kids, nicer jobs, more excitement and then you fill yourself up with that awful empty feeling, suddenly your day is already ruined and you haven't even left your bed yet.

There is no shame in admitting we've all been there. I know I have! It's one of the dangers of social media and the root of one lie we tell oursleves. Let me be clear, social media is not the villain in this story, nor is it the friends who share the happy moments in their lives, the enemy is you! *gasp* Shocker I know right?! Okay so it's not really you becuase that just causes more issues no it's the lies we tell oursleves. Here are 3 lies we tell oursleves and social media is right in the mix of 'em:

1. Comparison! Becuase of these happy posts and perfect pictures my friends have perfect lives and I don't. Comparison never leads to happiness! It is one of the adversaries tools to make you doubt your worth and value becuase of another person. We are unique individuals, no two lives look the same. Each and every person faces different challenges and trials, I promise you no one is immune. And deciding how perfect another person's life is based off what the shared most recently on Facebook isn't a fair judgement.

2. Posting my opinions and views influence change. This is a lazy way to live what you believe. Yeah it's great to post that you're pro-life or anti-guns or concerned about human trafficking, but no one takes a Facebook post seriously. I mean except for online trolls... that's another discussion entirely. If you want to influence change get out and volunteer! Donate to the causes you beleive in. Teach children, teens, adults the truths you believe in. Learn to public speak and tell the world why they should care. Sitting behind and screen and hitting the share button is great, I'm not saying you shouldn't. But I am saying that it doesn't change anything, the only way to promote change is to get up and off the phone and actually do something.

3. I can only post what's good online. Please don't misunderstand this one, I am not saying all your problems should be hung out to dry on your Facebook. But I am saying it's okay to be real online. It's okay to post a picture of your messy kids and still be grateful for your family. It's okay to post a selfie from the hospital as you get your I.V. treatment. It's okay to have friends post the pictures you didn't approve becuase someone will notice your double chin. No one is actually perfect in this life. We all have bad days and hard days and things we dont parade around to the rest of the world. That's okay! But just peeling back the curtain enough for someone to see the human in you is beautiful and should be shared.

*Just gonna acknowledge that this blog is as much a part of the silliness of social media as anything else. Believe me the irony is not lost!

March Book

So my posting has gotten painfully lazy as of late... but here I am now.

The book I read in March was one highly recommended to me entitled Man's Search for Meaning by Viktor Frankl. Not so very long ago it was on a list of like 10 books everyone should read. I honestly don't know if it's still there or not. However I will reccomend this book to literally anyone who asks!!

The first half of the book is Viktor sharing his experiences during WWII in different concentration camps and how he developed Logotherapy. The second half of the book is a in depth explanation of Logotherapy. Not gonna lie here the second half was a bit difficult to follow.

There was so so much quality content in this book. It's difficult to pinpoint just one or two to mention. I'll do my best though;
The first I'd like to mention is Viktor Frankl's compassion for his fellow man. Even as he described his life in camp and the cruelty of the Nazi's and even some of the prisoners he never was judgemental of harsh. Instead he always expressed compassion and even understanding of their actions and choices. I think that says a lot about his ability to he and overcome his experiences.
The second thing taught in the book that stood out to me was as he discussed suffering he made the analogy that suffering is like a gas and it fills any room equally. And basically he was saying that it doesn't matter what your suffering is or even how bad it is it can still consume you (or fill you like gas in a room). And regardless of what the suffering is the way we overcome it is the same.
And third his belief that regardless of our circumstances life can have meaning if we choose to make meaningful three aspects of our life: in work (doing something significant), in love (caring for others) and in courage during trials and difficulties. I thought this was an awesome. The idea that life can have meaning and even be fulfilling in a concentration camp seems pretty farfetched however Frankl lived it, he found meaning and he saw others find it too. And in some ways that's what makes this book and Logotherapy have any credit at all. Becuase anyone can find meaning in their life, no matter the circumstances or difficulties you face. And that is an empowering thought.

Reaction

So I literally just got home from seeing a new movie, Five Feet Apart (heard of it? Yeah the sappy chick flick about CF... seen it? Well you should! Yes, you'll cry but it'll be so worth it), it was really good and made me cry, a lot, so points. But it also made me want to write this. Here's why:

#1; Awareness! This movie centers on the struggle and lives of 2 individuals who live with CF, Cystic Fibrosis, which is a terminal illness and it's all very sad. This particular movie did an incredible job promoting awareness for CF. The director was a friend of Claire's (if you follow the CF vlog community you know who that is) and she helped and played a role in the movie although she died before it was finished. It was sorta obvious throughout the movie that a huge part of its purpose was awareness. Many people have compared it to The Fault in Our Stars another teen rom-com about sick teenagers who "against all odd fall in love" (which in my opinion is a crap ton of BS but that's another blog) however a key difference was the lack of awareness tFiOS. Yes it's cute and whatever but significantly different. Among the CF community there has been a huge response to five feet apart, both positive and negative. But for the most part the movie did some incredible justice. They really tried to be authentic and show us what CF is really like. That alone was powerful. And for people who live with disease the desire for awareness is huge!!! I mean it's so important to us for people to know and understand what's happening in our lives. In addition to that awareness leads to money that allows for study and that keeps the dream of a cure alive. A real cure. A miracle. Obviously one movie doesn't make you an expert but hopefully it makes you more aware and more open to learning more. Because, speaking for myself alone here, I'd be more than happy to explain my illness to you. I don't know everything but I try to. And if you want to know I'll happily tell you. I honestly think the key to awareness is taking away all the taboos!!! It's okay to not understand something and ask about it. It's okay to be asked. Stop being sensitive. And yeah Google is great but 9/10 each illness is unique to the person so they can really tell you what's up. Anyways... I think yes awareness is the goal. But let's remember to pace ourselves! Just because you know about CF doesn't mean you're aware of UC and you can't know everything about every disease out there but being open and trying makes all the difference.

#2; It felt really relatable. Now let me preface I do not have CF nor do I know anyone personally who does. However as someone who lives with a chronic disease there where just moments that felt so real and relatable to me. Example (no spoilers fear not) expressing fears about relationships. From medical costs to needing extra care to the general uncertainty of being sick. It's hard, so hard and it's a nightmare to imagine bringing another person into that. Or imagining another person being okay with that. Now UC, ulcerative colitis if you don't know, is NOT a terminal illness. However people do die from it, that's usually due to not properly treating it though. More often than not they die of complications it involves, i.e. cancer or ruptured bowels and such. So yeah death is real but not at all like it is for those with CF. That being said the fact that it sort of looms in the corner of your vision is real. And the fact that it take and steals so much from you. That was so real... so real. Any disease, I don't care what, steals something from you; be it freedom, "normal", touch, peace, happiness, breast's, colons, breath you name it... it takes it. And that sucks. And it hurts. So there are moments when you take or steal things back. And I think that's so important.

#3 Obviously the whole premise of five feet apart is that they literally can't be together for fear of the chance of transferring bacteria and well, R.I.P so you can probably guess the ending. My thing is that's a bunch of bull sh*t. Literally Drs know basically nothing (JK they know so much and I'd probably be dead if they didn't). A lot, a painful amount honestly, is still being learned about illnesses, UC and CF alike. And you have to be willing to way your own risks and do your own research and make your own choices. Now am I saying be reckless and who care nobody's getting out of life alive anyways? NO! I am so totally not saying that. However I am saying that we were put on this earth for a reason, each of us has divine purpose here. And one of our personal purposes of living is to have and find Joy. If we can't have that then what's the point. I mean really? Why are we even here if it's just to take our medicine and follow every rule and go through the motions. I call crap on that!!! Find what makes you happy and hold onto it. Why in five feet apart did they literally separate to the point of loosing contact? It doesn't have to be that way. Stay friends, stay close with the boundaries you choose. YOU CHOOSE! Don't give up what brings you true happiness because fact is happiness, joy, true joy is a gift. And if it's the whole point of this than it should be cherished above all else.

Feburary Book

Honestly I was super lazy about getting a book read for feburary and it doesn't help that it's a short month, you know?
So finally in a desperate dash to keep my goal strong I took a book recommended by my dad called, Painting as a Pastime by Winston Churchill.

Okay so the basic premise of the book is to deal with stress you need a healthy outlet, in other words a "pass time." He explains the concept of work and relaxation and then makes a case for painting being the solution to all.

I gotta say this book was an easy read, which I was looking for. It was also a very visual book his ability to describe things was absolutely beautiful!! But I did kinda fall flat to me. It just wasn't the powerhouse meaningful I'm gonna make a change because of this book I was looking for. Which was kinda a bummer.

I really loved how he wrote and you could feel his passion. I think passion goes hand in hand with purpose. Without passion purpose doesn't last. I was truly impressed by how much Churchill loved painting. It was beautiful and frankly seeing another's passion is always inspiring to some degree.  I mean imagine living with that kind of passion for something every day. Maybe not about painting but about something and letting it change and affect the very essence of who you are.

I also liked a simple maybe unintentional lesson that was taught. When you have a passion you must try to pass it on to others.  Tell that what you love, why you love it and encourage them to give it a try. But more than that simple encourage them to find their own passion. Whatever it is and pursue it with all their heart.

So yeah, maybe it was kinda a dull read and painting isn't really my end all thing. But passion for life and belief that you can do anything. That's my thing. And if it's yours I'd say give this cute little book a chance.

Oh you know, just another emotional break down

You can probably guess the content of this post due to the title.... So let's jump right in!

And of course we'll start with a story.
A few weeks ago I got a little cold, it was right after my infusion too. Needless to say I've been in a flare since. I contacted my Dr and he had me do the standard blood and stool tests. Results? Normal, of course. *long sigh*

Thankfully my Dr pulled some strings and got me an appointment with him for this week. #blessed So I drove to my appointment and went to the desk to check in. Turns out somehow the days got mixed up and I'd missed it.

The poor receptionist I'm sure thought I was a crazy person because I didn't hold it together very well. I got another appointment in March! Went to my car and cried my eyes out. I even called my parents and cried at them.

It was a mess!! I also felt kinda stupid. I mean how irrational is it to be crying over a missed appointment. But honestly it was just my breaking point, between the pain and discomfort and lack of sleep I wasn't feeling very stable.

But here's the thing; was it really irrational to express the emotions I was feeling? I'm thinking no. Maybe my belief that someone my Dr was gonna be able to fix everything was irrational. But expressing the emotions you are feeling in a safe and controlled way is good and very healthy.

You need to acknowledge and validate these feelings. It's only right and it's only fair to yourself. But then we act!! We don't just sit there depressed and crying forever. We do something about it. For me I went to the store bought some nature sleep aids, bubble bath, food... things that I can control. That's what we need to focus on especially when things get bad.

So if your in a bad moment, bad day or bad week hang in there. Control what you can. And let the emotions you feel flow through you. It's gonna be alright.

January Book

So for the new year I set a goal to read 1 meaningful book each month. And my meaningful I'm taking not a fictional fluffy YA novel, which is my usual choice. I also define meaningful as something that makes me feel inspired or motivated. I just wanna be moved you know?
So I started my goal strong by reading Let It Go: A True Story of Tragedy and Forgiveness by Chris Williams.

Which you can learn more about on goodreads: http://www.goodreads.com/book/show/15718698-let-it-go

However if you don't wanna do that here's the skinny: Chris Williams along with his pregnant wife and 3 of his 4 children were in a tragic drink driving accident. He survived as did one of his children. After the accident he responded with forgiveness and encouraged all who hear his story to react with love and not hate.

This was truly a powerful story and it really did touch my heart. I finished it while I was sitting at a YMCA and there were definitely some tears shed. Truly I was moved and inspired. The idea that someone could face such an incredible tragedy and not turn to despair and hate. Now he did have his moments and he acknowledged that but he also didn't stay there.

Since getting sick feelings of crushing depression and anxiety have become old friends of mine. And I'm learning slowly but surely that these feeling are real and valid. The wrong response is belittling and punishing yourself for being human and having struggles. The better response is to let them come, cry it out, listen to these feelings. But then wipe you're eyes, let those feelings go and get back up.

Another lesson illustrated in this book was Chris never blamed anyone or anything for what happened. And he never turned against God. He always saw God's love even in the tragedy he faced. And he realized that the only person he could turn to in this trail was God. His humility was inspiring as was his ability to hold onto his faith. He never lost his trust in God's plan.

One of the real challenges I've faced while being sick and dealing with all of the firsts of chronic illness is my ability to truly trust God. I don't think there is a quick solution to trusting in God. Developing trust in God comes from frequent and consistent experiences with Him. I believe trust comes from our  relationship to Him. The ability to submit fully to his will is also something I believe must be learned, so it too takes time. My ability to trust him is still strained but I'm holding onto what I know and waiting for the answers to what I don't.

Overall I'd give this book a 10/10! If you want a book that can inspire and make you cry a little bit then this is for you. If you want a book that teaches you about family, faith and forgiveness then this is for you. So give it a chance!

Thoughts on dating

Dating 101... just don't.... haha just kidding. So I'm gonna be totally honest with you I don't have any friends my age with Chronic illness, so I'm not saying I speak for everyone when I share my thoughts on dating. But here goes anyway!
I can list on one hand the number of dates I've been on. And unsurprisingly they have correlated with my illness pretty well. My first "not boyfriend" (I'm not actually sure what we were but that's a story for another time) and I started going out just as my illness what hitting it's worst point. And everything was about my illness!! It was sweet and I'm sure he meant well, however it was also exhausting and sometimes frustrating. We couldn't go out to eat without him asking and worrying about what I can and can't eat. He frequently got emotional and frustrated with the challenges I was facing. Again, sweet and his intentions I'm sure were the best, but I hated it and I ended our relationship (or whatever it was) just after my ER visit and initial diagnosis.
Now just recently I met another young man and we went on a few dates. The dates were very uncouth and just plain fun. But my favorite part? To my knowledge he knew nothing or very little of my health challenges. So it was never a topic of discussion. When I was with him I felt free. I didn't feel like something broken that needed fixing and I didn't feel limited by my illness. Honestly he left for school not long ago and I'm not sure what would've or could've happened if he hadn't. I know eventually we would've had to talk about it, but for me there was something incredibly liberating about not talking about my illness.
And I learned a lot from these experiences I learned that I have more than enough pity for myself and my problems and sometimes I just need some tough love. I also learned that focusing on my illness or having other people focus on it makes it worse. Finally I learned that different situations can really affect how successful a relationship is. It was a lot of food for thought especially as I am thinking about my future and since I do want to get married someday.
So I don't know what the future holds, I don't know how I'm gonna have a conversation about my illness with someone. I don't know who the right guy is for me or how on earth I'm going to find him. But these experiences give me hope. So come what may, and we'll get through it.