Watching the worst teen rom-com

So today I saw that Netflix (bless them for we are eternally grateful) has a new teen rom-com out. Now I am about as hopeless as a "hopeless romantic" can get. It's becoming a strange addiction and one day I might get help but for now I feed that little addiction whatever it wants! #bingethoseflicks So yes I've watched just about all the teen rom-coms Netflix has offered me. To all the boys I loved before? Yes please! The kissing booth? I vomited watching it, there were so many red flags I about died. The perfect date? Ehh, it definitely struggled but won me over in the end. Sierra Burgess is a Looser? I'd have to agree she isn't the greatest and that was painful to sit through, never again!

And now we have Tall Girl. Honestly the premise seemed kinda cute but holy freaking cow dramatic much? The girl is 6' 1" and literally acts like her life is over. Yeah yeah I get it she's bullied and apparently her father has never seen a tall girl so he's a wack-nut. I mean come on! "No one makes heals in my size" lies. "I'm too noticeable being this tall" yeah? Who cares! "No guy will ever ask me out because I'm so tall" disregarding the fact that there is an entire male character whose existence is there solely to ask her out and be the "nice guy".  There were maybe 3 redemptive moments in the entire movie:
1. The super adorable black BFF who was 100% confidence and 100% done with your sh*t. Literally in her first introduction you see her standing up for a defending her best friend only to get written off and ignored the entire rest of the movie. Even by the lead who goes as far as to act hurt when she's blowing her friend off and gets told that validation from men is worthless. #preachsister And they didn't even bother to have a redemptive arch for the friendship they just sort of glazed over the fight and drama.
2. The father's redemption, as I afore mentioned the father was sorta a nut. He totally overreacted to the height of his daughter and spent most of the movie making things infinitely worse. His redeeming moment came after *spoiler alert* the "tall girl" gets stood up by her love interest. Dad goes up to her room and knocks on the door and says to the affect that no matter what he loves her, and he's here for her. It was so sweet. Then they played a little piano duet it was so sweet and tender. I love a good father daughter moment.
3. Number 3...... ya know what? I don't even think there was a 3rd redeeming moment! Haha! At least not one I can remember.
Honestly if you liked the movie great! I'm happy for you. These are just my personal opinions! So no offence meant!!
I just am so tired of these sad soggy chick-flicks. I'm tired of them force feeding me that nice guys are always the better choice but no girl will notice until she interacts with the hotter guy who turns out to be a total jerk. I'm tired of these ridiculous parents and families that could be so great and supportive. Basically I'm tired of these 1 dimensional character and plots that just leave me disappointed. What I'm learning is chick-flicks are a dime a dozen but the real good ones you gotta work to find.
Now excuse me while I go watch Sleepless in Seattle to work through my feelings.

Wisdom of a Child

"But what's their name?" These were the wise words spoken by my favorite four year old.

We were driving in my car and someone in front of me did something stupid and the people behind me were upset and there I was in the middle of it. So after everything was sorted out I let off a little road rage. Nothing nasty, no cursing, believe me I was very aware of my copycat four year old in the car. However she still noticed my upset and simple asked why? So I did my best to explain the situation, in the language of a four year old, she seemed to understand and I felt quite proud of my ability to justify my upset. Then she asked me the most profound question, "But, Onaleigh, what's their name?" I quickly clarified whose names she wanted to know and she explained she wanted to know the names of the people I was upset with. After I explained I didn't know she gave them her own made up names and moved right along with the conversation.

But I have really been struck by my four year olds question: "But what's their name?" I mean I knew nothing about these people, not even the most basic info such as their name, and yet I had jumped to conclusions that they were nasty people, so impatient and rude. All because they made whatever dumb driving decisions. And it struck me how often I jump to conclusions about people who I don't even know. I don't think I'm alone in this weakness, I know a lot of people who struggle judging those they don't know. And in many ways society kind of teaches us to judge and be critical of everyone, people we know, people we don't, even ourselves. It's a toxin and it's killing us! So next time someone cuts you off or does something that make you go *ugh* think of a cute little blonde 4 year old asking:
"But what's their name?"

Welcome to my brain, there is no explanation

Been a while since I posted and I feel like all my loyal readers must be devastated without my wit and charm. (Hahaha JK I know no one reads this, that's the point!)
So this is just gonna be an example of some of the thoughts, and how they change, that pop into the head of someone with chronic illness!
#bulletpointlist

•We've all seen the commercials for medications when watching the TV.... you know: "Talk to your doctor about 'xyz'.... see if 'xyz' is right for you today!" And then the list of side effects that often feels longer than the positive part of the medications commercial. Now confession time! I loved making fun of those commercials! I know!! I know... literally why! But the fact is most people have snarky comments in response to those commercials: "Why don't they just come right out and say this might make you better or it could kill you?" Or "those side effects sound so much worse than the problem!" Or my favorite "I would rather be sick than take a medication with those kinds of side effects!" And I was so here for this! I was on this toxic bandwagon! #shameonme The thing is now I'm the sick person who is literally grasping at straws some days looking for anything that might stop the pain or make me healthy again. Literally willing to try just about anything! And yes the medication I take have a huge list of side effects you know things like: fever, headache, chest tightness, heart failure, lupus-like symptoms and you know certain types of cancer! Fun right? But here's the thing! It works well enough that I'm willing to take that chance! And honestly yes you need to be aware of what side effects can come with your medications! It's your body, your health and you have to take charge! But it's heart breaking that "healthy" people feel the need to mock and judge those who are willing to try anything to be healthy! This is truly something you just don't understand until your in that boat.

•Farting in front of your SO. Okay so I'm a huge fan to Queer Eye and I love the #fab5! They are such positive icons for our society and I just adore them! However I was watching an interview where they give advice to those getting excited newly weds out there. And they (minus Karamo) literally went off on how you should never pass gass in front of your spouce. *insert best Jonathan voice* Oh no Honey! My anxiety went from 0 to 60 in a snap! As someone who has a "bathroom disease" and everything that comes with it: diarrhea, bloating, gas, pain and general discomfort, etc. Hearing people talk negatively about completely natural body functions, that for me are often unnatural, as if they are gross or somehow wrong is so so SO toxic! This is literally for everyone not just those with Ulcerative Colitis. I'm talking about how we get grossed out about body hair (yes I choose to always shave my pits but legs not so much), or how we shame women over their menstrual cycle (you have the ability to carry life inside of you so you  rock your cycle honey!), or how we feel like it's somehow wrong or absolutely disgusting to pass gas. But wake up America! These are normal functions of the human body and creating toxic stigmas about those normal functions need to stop! If your not comfortable around your SO to allow your human body to function normally I would encourage you to think about why that is and if it's to maintain your attractiveness or to hide your authentic self for fear of rejection than there is some toxins in your mind and heart and even your relationship and I would encourage you to address these because only on authenticity can you find true healing. (Also just to clarify! I am totally fine with the #fab5 feeling this way, and anyone else for that matter! I still absolutely adore these guys! #nohatehere)

•Finally let's talk about the elephant in the room of so many ill individuals! The cost of pharmaceuticals is ridiculous! Honestly being sick has seriously killed my bank account! Every medication, procedure, treatment, test, doctor visit, literally anything health related cost money! And the sad part is in a sick person's life their income is usually already hurting because of being sick now they have to pay to be well. It's so sad and for some it can really lead to some serious depression and despair for your situation. Now I am going to acknowledge my blessings (or privilege, call it whatever you want) I have decent insurance and my parents are happy to help pay for my co-pay and so a lot of my cost is pretty well covered. But I do see the strain that this causes my parents as they face financial challenges. Let me give you an idea of what I mean in the form of a little story:
I was recently placed on a new medication in the form of a suppository. And it is a very expensive medication thankfully insurance covers a lot of it. But it's still pricey for just a 30 day supply. It was late the other night and I needed to place my suppositpry before I went to bed and I went to put it in and I'm sitting on the toilet and after I place it in my rectum just absolutely rejected it and out it fell into the toilet!! (now thankfully I had already gone to the bathroom and flushed so it was just the bowel and water, but still...) And I stood up and totally freaked! I needed to get that suppository out of the toilet and where it needed to go!!! Under no circumstances was I willing to even entertain the idea of letting this one go and getting another one. So I'm rummaging in desperation looking for something, anything literally anything, to get it out of toilet. I got nothing! Nothing! I've never been more ashamed of my bathroom. So I just went for it. I shoved my bare hand into the toilet and grabbed my suppository right out of the toilet I rinsed it and my hand off quickly and inserted it, thankfully that time it took. And as I'm washing my hands off it dawns on me what I've just done. I willingly shoved my hand into the toilet to get something out of it to put into my body. I had a good laugh and obviously told my mom the whole story immediately following.
The sad part of the story is I justified my actions because of the expense of the medication. And some people face much worse because they are desperate for treatment and the chance to be well, literally just so they can live.

Well we're done now. My mind finally feels quiet. (Maybe it's the Nyquil, I'm writing this while facing some sort of head cold allergy situation #notfun) Hope you enjoyed this peek into my brain! Remember: choose kindness first!

The blessings of bread

Recently I had the opportunity to go and visit Old Nauvoo. It was a wonderful experience for many different reasons!! But more on those in another post!

For this one I'd like to tell the story of Sister Hansen (: While in Nauvoo I got to go to the Temple on multiple occasions. The first day I went with a friend and met Sister Hansen. We visited and chatted about our interests and goals and after learning my desires in the baking world offered me a recipe for English muffin bread. She said she would bring it on Friday, our final trip to the Temple, however we didn't really make any plans beyond that.

Friday came and off to the Temple I went with my friends. It was quite the fiasco getting there that day and getting onto a session! We ended up attending another sealing session and right as we walked in there was sweet little sister Hansen sitting right there. We were able to visit with her and afterwards she introduced us to her husband, who was just as sweet as she is! It was wonderful to be reunited and was a sweet moment to be reminded of God's love for us. He truly does lead and guide us to be the places we need to be so we can meet those who need to have a hand in our lives. I truly believe we needed to meet sweet sister Hansen and feel her love for us.

Oh and don't worry I got her recipe! Thought I'd pass it on for all of you to enjoy.

Ingredients:
5 C. Flour
4 1/2 t. Yeast
1 T. Sugar
1 t. Salt
2 C. Warm milk
1/2 C. Warm water
Corn meal for sprinkling the pan and tops of loaves

Directions:
Mix together half the flour with yeast and sugar. Add the warm milk and water (approx 105-110°f), mix to combine and let sit for 5min, to bubble.
And the remaining flour and salt. Mix until well combined. Divide into two loaves.
Place into two greased and corned meal sprinkled loaf pans. Sprinkle tops of loaves also. Allow to rise until doubled in size.
Bake at 375° for 35-40min. Let sit 5 min and remove from pans allow to cool completely on wire rack.
Slice and serve toasted with butter.

Two steps forward, one step back

Two steps forward, one step back but DON'T STOP WALKING!

I took what feels like the 100th step back Monday of last week. After lots of stubbornness and determination and belief that everything was fine. I admitted to myself and my doctor that it's not, it's definitely not fine, right around the time I started bleeding again with each bathroom visit. Yup. "Two steps forward one step back." It wasn't a easy pill to swallow but I sorta saw it coming before my last infusion. Things just didn't feel right, obviously I was blaming stress and change and needing another treatment of meds. But I think I was starting to realize that this just wasn't quite the same y'know?

Medications fail for lots of different reasons, the medication I'm on in a biologic medicine so your body can produce antibodies that fight against it. That's what we think happened with me, as far as this particular med goes about 30% just reject it randomly. It's a high enough number and I just got to join it, lucky me. However this is tricky for me because the 2 main treatments for Ulcerative colitis have both tanked in effectiveness. Could mean lots of things; gotta be more creative in treatment, could be a problem with diagnosis, maybe we just missed something. So the Dr is having me undergo another colonoscopy.

A colonoscopy is where the Dr knocks you out and shoves a little camera into your colon. This way he can really see what's going on inside. It's messy and there is some specific preparation which is none too pleasant. The first time I had a colonoscopy I thought I was gonna die, no joke I really did. I was insanely sick and it was just an all around horrific experience. So I'm not too excited for this whole experience. But it does seem like the right course of action so there's some peace to be found in that.

Sometimes I just want to shout from the roof tops what's going on in my life and how hard it is and how empty I feel. But I don't.... instead I post a blog about it, and that helps. My advice for anyone else going through a 'one step back' moment is hang in there! Please, please hold on and don't give up. You can get through this and you will!! Even if it doesn't seem like it and it's hard to believe know that things will get better. In the words of one of my many favorite musicals remember, "the sun'll come out tomorrow."  

20 things to do on the toilet

Having a chronic illness that attacks your bowels leads to plenty of toilet bonding time!! Here's a list of 20 things you can do while you're chillin' on the can:

1. Read the back of every shampoo bottle in your shower
2. Sing the entire Bohemian Rapsody (quality is not part of this discussion)
3. Call a friend or family member for a chat
4. Write a blog post about what to do when you're stuck on a toilet *wink-wink*
5. Scroll through any and all social media
6. Reply to your emails
7. Watch an episode of your favorite show
8. Post something motivational to your social media
9. Make today's to-do list
10. Ponder your place in the universe
11. Practice a foreign language on Duolingo
12. Memorize pi (yes the number)
13. Read a new book
14. Watch an assortment of random YouTube videos
15. Brush your hair 100 stroke
16. Moan and groan about your bowels
17. Pet your poochie
18. Cancel plans for the day
19. Plan your wedding on Pinterest
20. Yell, "I'll be done in a minute!" To the hoard banging down your door

What would you add to the list?

Chronic illness 101

Some of you may wonder, "Mhm, how does this whole chronic illness work? What does it really mean to have a chronic illness?" Well here come chronic illness 101, the funny, the sad and the real life truth!

First off chronic illness means that you get to enjoy this for the rest of forever. Yup! You're one of the lucky (or is it unlucky, I can never remember) ones. You might get better, for a while, but it never truly goes away. And living with chronic illness includes the forced smiles and mumbled "me too" when people say: "Aren't you better yet?" Or "that's interesting" when someone, with a fast medical degree from the university of the Google "I heard that if you do X Y or Z you'll be cured" Now don't get me wrong folks, they have the best intentions but they don't quite get it. So a healthy ability to nod and smile is a must for anyone with a chronic illness.

Second planning is key! You will have bad days or weeks or months at time and you need to have an action plan for that. Mine includes an assortment or comfy pjs, an understanding workplace, the go to "fix its" like: a hot bath or eating nothing but rice and maybe an egg for the day, and most important an easily accessible bathroom! Now everyone's action plan will be different and needs to meet their needs and their chronic illness specifically. Even if you and your neighbor have the same diagnosed illness your specific symptoms and struggles would be different so therefore custom action plans are essential.

Third adjust ALL expectations! This is an absolute must for anyone living with a chronic illness. For example at one point during my chronic illness diagnosis journy I wasn't really capable of eating and was dropping weight rapidly so my expectation was to eat something, literally ANYTHING, everyday. This points out a key aspect of expectations as your situation changes so must your expectations. I also encourage kindness first in setting expectations for yourself. You know yourself well you know your capabilities and you know when you're throwing in the towel or overdoing it so honesty with yourself is also key. Finally never feel like you have to justify your expectations for yourself, becuase you don't have too end of story.

Fourth find humor in your situation. I can't think of anyone who finds poop jokes quite as funny as someone living with UC. My family has figured this out and let me tell you nothing makes me happier than getting a poop related meme sent to me. This is not to say that you aren't allowed to have hard moments and cry or pout or shout or whatever you do to express your very real emotions. But being able to find joy and humor in all the odd moments is a super healthy coping mechanism. Full disclosure I have a secret Pinterest board dedicated to amusing poop memes!! So laugh out loud and laugh often, it really is the best medicine.

Finally surround yourself with good people. This can be one of the hardest parts but your life is already hard enough if there are negative people who leave you drained and unhappy after you spend time together cut them out! That sounds harsh sorry just leave that person as a Facebook friend only. As someone who lives with chronic illness you need people who are givers not just takers. You need to be needed, we all do, but you also need people who are willing to cancel plans and just hang at your house while you nap. You need people who see a need and fill a need. Hopefully at least one member of your family is included in the good people group but if not that's okay, people can change don't give up on them. (This is literally why we have facebook) But for now find those good people and keep them close.

In essence having a chronic illness is hard and yet wonderful at times (did you sense the touch of sarcasm? It was definitely there). Maybe this has been informative, maybe someone actually read this (hahaha,now that's funny), maybe this is something that inspires or helps you. I sure hope so!!