I have had a few life changing moments, I'm not talking about the incredible pizza I ate for dinner moments. I mean I remember the exact place and moment when my life changed.
I remember getting my mission call to Florida and knowing, and yet somehow not knowing, that it would change my life forever. I remember sitting in the basement of my grandparents house when the parents came down to tell us my Grandpa had just passed away. I remember sitting in a ER getting a call from a Dr in my ward and hearing the words Ulcerative Colitis. I remember the early phone call with my mission President where I was told my Grandipops had passed.
This week there was another moment.... a life changing moment.
Friday the 13th; I woke up early and went to my parents room, like I do everyday. I hadn't slept well, bad dreams and bad feelings all night. Mom was out of bed and getting ready for the day, something felt off. Then suddenly the weeping began and I got the news my cousin had committed suicide.
Suicide, the act of taking ones own life. This was no foreign concept or strange unknown idea. I know what suicide is, it has haunted my family for a long time. With a brother and sister, uncle, cousins and friends who have struggled and fought against this I had somehow come to beleive that it would never actually happen, not to our family, certainly not now.
I've made some realizations in the 3 days following this news.
The first is that the hurt from a suicide... the grief and emotions accompanying this loss are so different than any other loss I've experiences. I truly don't know how to explain it, I hope and pray with every molecule in my body that you never ever understand what I'm talking about.
Second, perspectives change in half a moment. I have been concerned with job changes, money concerns, politics and obviously Covid-19. But truly those things don't actually matter. Family, trust, love those things matter. Things of an eternal nature, things that will actually matter 5 years from now. I don't know why it is that as humans we become so consumed with things that don't have lasting importance but we do, or at least I do. I can't promise forever but I am truly trying to refocus my life on things of eternal nature.
Third don't waste a moment! Not a single one. Everyday with the ones you love is a gift. If you have something important to say to someone, say it! Please don't wait!!!!! I think this is something everyone feels after a loss. But boy oh boy! If you live and treat people like it's the last day on earth imagine how kind we would be?
Finally please don't believe the lie that the world would be better off without you. Don't beleive that you're not needed or not loved. You are loved, please believe me when I say your loss will forever change the lives of more people than you realize. The world will never be the same without you in it. So don't leave, don't give up. Live one more day. Find a reason to exist today and be grateful for it. Cry out for help!! If those closest to you don't hear go to someone else. I don't care if we've never met, come to me if you need help. I promise there is help out there!!! This burden is the hardest one I could imagine to carry, so don't carry it alone! Come to the Savior, let me introduce you and together we can face this. I love you for just being you, thank for living in this world with me.
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