Christmas Movie ranking

Per the request of my sister this post will by my official ranking of this year's Christmas Movies, now every year I watch a fair amount (one might say more than my fair share) of Christmas movies. I definitely have some yearly favorites and a few that have followed me from childhood. Today sorta jokingly I went through the movies I've watched so far and ranked them for my sister- she begged me to make this ranking an ongoing thing and to post it to my blog. So here I am, no one can say I don't listen to my big sister. 

However, I am going to simply post this and update it each time I watch a new movie so by the end of the season we will have a grand list of all the movies I've watched and how they've faired, to keep things simple the list will always go top to bottom in ranking and I will also add a few random numbers to enhance the ratings since odds are eventually I'll have multiple movies in the #1 spot.  

So let's begin: updated 11/27  

1. Something from Tiffany's (Amazon)

A simple bag mix-up changes everything for two couples in New York. An accident led to their meeting but fate has other plans for their future. 

Rewatchability 10/10

Couple 10/10

Christmas spirit 8/10

Holiday Magic 8/10

Storyline 9/10

2. 12 Dates of Christmas (DailyMotion) 

A girl ends a blind date badly, she gets her second (and 3rd, 4th all the way to 12th) chance with the guy in a classic groundhog day style. Before reaching her happily Holiday after. 

Rewatchability 9/10

Couple 8/10

Christmas spirit 7/10

Holiday Magic 8/10

Storyline 7/10

3. Christmas Drop (netflix)

A stuffy politician is all about budget cuts and is looking to cut spending at a base focused on spreading Christmas. A enemies to friends to more with a cute military pilot helps her find her tropical Christmas spirit. 

Rewatchability 9/10

Couple 8/10

Christmas spirit 8/10

Holiday Magic 8/10

Storyline 9/10

4. Merry Gentlemen (netflix) 

*watch with your parents at your own risk ;)* An out of work dancer comes home to save her parents bar with a risqué male dance group. Featuring a hunky carpenter and more than enough top less men. 

Rewatchability 8/10

Couple 6/10

Christmas spirit 6/10

Holiday Magic 8/10

Storyline 7/10

5. Christmas Prince (Netflix) 

A plucky reporter wanna-be heads to a mythical country just in time for the coronation. She goes "undercover" to get her story and finds love along the way 

Rewatchability 7/10

Couple 7/10

Christmas spirit 6/10

Holiday Magic 5/10

Storyline 7/10

6. Princess Switch (Netflix) 

A baker decides to compete in a Christmas baking competition. Once there she discovers her identical non-twin and in true princess and the pauper style swap places finding where they truly belong and who they truly belong with. 

Rewatchability 7/10

Couple(s) 5/10

Christmas spirit 7/10

Holiday Magic 7/10

Storyline 5/10

A hard day...

Today was hard and sad and I'm both tired and sad at the moment. So that's fun. 

Y'know what sucks? Being 28 and for unknown reasons being emotioanlly affected by your parents failed and un-loving marriage. Like what the helly? I don't live with my parents anymore why the f*ck do I feel so hurt and sad by all this bs?

Honestly I know it hurts at any age I just wish it didn't hurt as much and I wish my situation in all this was different.... 

Idk man it just sucks and Im sad. 

 

Bedtime blues

While getting ready for bed tonight I started feeling immensely bummed out. To my mind came everything I was failing at. 

I eat to many sweet. Not enough veggies. I don't get enough movement into my day. I watch to much YouTube. Waste too much time on social media. Watch too many movies and television. I'm not learning or growing in anyway. Fail. Fail. Fail. Failure. 

What a buzz kill that line of thinking is. Now I fully acknowledge that any such thoughts around 9pm are usually triggered in part by the "bedtime blues" as I like to call it. The time of evening where no mater how good your day was or life is everything is horrible and life is the worst. The only answer to this? Go to bed and you will quite literally feel better in the morning. 

Problem is there are little beads of truth in those deeply self deprecating thoughts. I have been eating more sweets lately. I have also increased my media consumption. And between today and yesterday I spent a good amount of time on my couch or in my bed curled up under blankets. So what do we do now? Do we chalk up these feelings to the bedtime blues? Do we panic? Completely replan our life and set a thousand different goals to rectify every shortcoming? Do we do 100 sit-ups before bed? No, no, no and no. 

The best response is to be curious about those feelings of inadequacy or failure. Genuinely check in, has my life gotten out of control? Is it unmanageable? Where could I make reasonable goals to improve tomorrow? What am I doing well? What have a succeeded at today, this week, this month? 

I don't have answers to all those questions. It's nearly my bedtime and I'm pretty sleepy. But in sitting with these feelings I don't feel quite as consumed and overwhelmed. So we save the answers for another day and wish you and the rest of the world a good night. 

 

Morning musings

I sat across from my Dad asking him to choose me. To love me and want me and to try. And he couldn't do it. He couldn't say that he loves me. He couldn't reasure me. In that moment something broke between us. A flood of every other moment, insensitive comment, hurtful remark, choices he's made... they all came flooding in.

When he criticized me for what I was eating or how much I was eating. The letters and texts and conversations about how I should be different, do different, be more like someone else. Or how about when I was just starting to get healthy again and he threw a fit about the cost of my medical care. How about the calls and texts my siblings get that I don't. Or the acknowledgement of their relationship with him and the effort they put in but me? Nothing. And never, never an apology for how these things have hurt me. No acknowledgement of guilt or fault or wrongdoing. These moments all combine to tell 1 story and that story's theme? I don't love you.

Now do I truly believe my Dad doesn't love me? No not really. I think he loves me as much as and in the way that he can, and that's just generally sh*tty. I also don't necessarily think his lack of love for me is unique. I'm also not convinced in the last decade or so that he loves my Mom. 

I recently listened to a podcast where the host said: "I truly believe I am worthy of love and deserve to be surrounded in it everyday." Those words resonated with me. There are moments and because of recent events they have been more often than not. Where I do doubt or a wonder... if my own father doesn't love me who does? Who will? Am I even of value? Heck why keep living if the cost isn't valued by anyone else? 

But deep down? I know. I deserve love. I am worthy of love. And thats the basis for my distance to my father. I will not surround myself in a lack of love. I deserve better than that. I am still kind and respectful to him. And truthfully I still love him and care about him. But my boundaries are to protect myself from more hurt, more doubt, more loss. 

Moral of this story? I am worthy of love and so are you. I deserve to be surrounded by love and so do you. My life deserves to be filled with love and so does yours. 

dishes

There are moments in life that change us; we woke up one way, but by the time the next day dawns, we are different. Even if we don't fully know it yet. One of my moments came when I was... around 11. 

My grandfather was dying of pancreatic cancer, not a good time for anyone in my family. My family was basically living at my grandparents alongside most of my cousins and Aunts. It was a day like most of the others; the moms were stressed and worried, and sensitive, and the boys were all outside playing. When my Aunt asked me and my other girl cousins to do the dishes. Instead of jumping up to help, we grumbled and, at the suggestion of a cousin, hid ourselves to avoid the work. Unsurprisingly, my Aunt found us, but instead of yelling at us or imposing some other punishment, she cried. She cried about how hard life was and how we shouldn't be selfish; we needed to help right now. I felt awful, and right there and then, I decided I was not, and would not, ever be labeled as selfish again. A choice... a moment... that forever changed me.

From that day forward, at every family gathering, every church potluck, or party, I would be the first to jump up and wash the dishes. If you didn't know where I was, check the kitchen, and there I'd be, by the sink washing away. In many ways, this new part of me served me well. When I'd jump up at Grandma's, my Aunts and Uncles would sing my praises for being so kind and good. At church, I was thoughtful and helpful. In every choice to wash another dish, the chorus of "you are good and valued and loved" followed me. For a while, it worked... okay, longer than a while, it wasn't until the last few years that I realized, this dishwashing part of myself had involved herself in much more than just the dishes at the family gathering. 

Suddenly, much more than dishes were piling up. Every burden and challenge the world offered, the hurt and trials of family and friends, my own sadness and pain, it was all piling up taller and taller. And there she was frantically doing the dishes left and right. It was her only way to control, the only way to protect herself, the only way to keep the security of "you are loved, needed, valued," and that little voice inside whispered "this is who you are". But now? Now... I'm so... tired. 

Here's the problem with the endless parade of dishes: it took a while, but I started realizing that I sit with my soap and my sponge in my elbow-length bright yellow gloves and just want to wash those dishes. Clean them up, fix the problems, and off we go, onto the next! Here's the thing, though: I can't wash someone else's dishes. I just...can't. No matter how much she wants to, with her gloves and soap suds ready.

It doesn't work... they just don't come clean.

So there she is, gloves on, surrounded by dishes mine, ones others have given her, ones she has taken, promising and hoping that this time... this time she can get them clean. And she cries... she cries... she looks at the tower of dishes and cries. it hurts, it hurts to leave the dishes... I hurt because this is who I am... if I can't clean the dishes then... then what? 

Truthfully I don't want to stop washing dishes. It is part of who I am, a valued part of who I am that serves the whole well, but it's not all that I am. When the dish towers are too high, when I've lost track of which dishes are mine and which aren't. When she looks at the mess and cries. I am with her. I want to ask her to come over, come sit on the couch with me but she can't not yet. So instead, I go to her. I take her yellow gloved hand in mine and say "you are more than this. you are more than the dishes you do. you are not the dishes you don't do. you are good, and valued, and needed." Together we stand at the sink... and she cries and I cry because it does hurt... and that's okay. 

Today we cry together and tomorrow... tomorrow... tomorrow, we'll leave tomorrow for another day. 

Mary or Martha

"Martha was a busy body." "She didn't know what was most important." "Being a Martha is bad." "Martha needed to relax!! She was a bully to Mary." And on and on. When teaching from the Bible we often get to the story in Luke about Mary and Martha and this as the response is summary: Martha =bad and Mary =good. Personally I have always loved this story and have proudly touted my defense of Martha at every opportunity. Because I am a Martha. 

Martha saw a need and filled it. She had an important role, that of providing for the temporal needs of the Savior and His followers while they resided at her home. And despite all that the Savior wad capable of doing that role needed to be filled. Much like Martha I have always felt more peaceful and content when I am up and going. If I was at an activity I'd much rather be helping with the set-up or clean up then visiting with others there. My view of things was simple: Mary can sit with Jesus ONLY because Martha is handling everything else. (Okay yes as much as I jump to Martha's defense I recognize that I might be a little judgemental of Mary... despite the Savior literally telling us she's making a good choice) 

However I recently was released as a temple worker and as part of that experience was given this insight from the temple President: "Temple workers are "Martha's" (see Luke 10:38-42).  It sounds like at this season in our life you should be a "Mary" and choose the good part to sit at the Savior's feet and hear His word as a patron in the house of the Lord once a month."

Yup, he just told me to be a Mary... despite all of my feelings that lead me to Martha... I was just told to enter my "Mary era". 

Yesterday I had the opportunity to attend the temple with a few friends and I felt touched as I watched the "Martha's" out helping and serving. And so my thoughts turned again to this invitation to enter my Mary era. I'll be honest I was feeling more on the distressed side about it. Becuase I went thought a whole session with no powerful spiritual revelation, no moment of enlightenment.... Maybe the reason I don't like being a Mary is becuase I'm actually not very good at it. 

So there I am in the celestial room sitting, thinking and feeling disheartened since I'm a bad Mary. When a thought came to mind: "My house is a place of revelation and refuge" 

Define Refuge: 

• 1: shelter or protection from danger or distress
• 2: a place that provides shelter or  protection

In an instant I felt a different sort of peace. As much as I want to be constantly open to receiving revelation and always go-go going (sounds a bit more Martha, hmm?) Part of embracing my Mary Era is embracing that if all I find in the Lords house is refuge from the storms of life then I am still using it for it's intended purpose. That if all I do is sit at His feel and feel love for His love for me then that is enough. 

So here I am a proud Martha entering my Mary Era. Seeking to find balance and acceptance that we need both Mary and Martha. I need both Mary and Martha because both are good and valued and at different times and seasons both can be our focus and lead to great blessings. 

A new perspective on Enos

Near the beginning of the book of Mormon we have the book of Enos. At a single chapter it's short sweet and to the point. Focusing around Enos who when out hunting alone felt to seek forgiveness from God prayed for multiple days before being forgiven. Then Enos prays for his people and his enemies and gets similar answers and reassurance. 

For many years Enos has been used as a to-do list for prayer and getting answers. And it often leaves me with the guilt of not being able to measure up the potentially imagined expectations. With this past read through I raced through it in hopes of moving on to something the left me feeling better. 

Come Sunday and once again Enos and his "pattern" (to-do list) was the focus of the discussion. After some silence and guilt I spoke up. Sharing that Enos is great but his experience was his and creating a to-do list in order to have good prayer and get powerful answers isn't fair to us. Becuase we're not Enos- what works for him may not work for us. And if the to-do list just leaves us feeling lesser than does it have any benefit at all? Then I shared my belief that God accepts whatever we can offer Him, weather a two day prayer or a two second one. If we are doing it from a place of love and devotion it is enough. 

I felt satisfied enough with those thoughts. Even if those around me didn't quite seem to get my point. The teacher focusing on how I do measure up and need to be more accepting of myself. But then I walked away from that class wondering why Enos. Why do we study him and his story? If all it does it create unrealistic expectations and guilt why would Heavenly Father want it in there? Honestly I'm not sure and maybe it's becuase each person can have their own experience and for some it just doesn't bring on the guilt. 

But while discussing this with a friend I had a compeltely new thought. A thought that gives me a reason to study and even love Enos. It came first from President Nelson's remarks to learn how to Hear Him and then from the events in 3rd Nephi 11 when Christ first appeared to the Nephites. 

Enos prayed for two days while seeking for forgiveness, when the Lord answered him His answer was a reassurance that he was forgiven. Then in answer to his worried for those he loves (his people) the answer was the same: trust me, I love you, I LOVE all my children and I will take care of ALL my children. To Enos concern for his "enemies" the answer was, you guessed it, the same. So what can we learn from this? 

1. The Lord has been trying to tell us the same this from the beginning. He loves us. He wants us. He wants to forgive us if we repent. He doesn't want us to feel guilt or shame or pain. He wants us to come to Him and feel His peace. This is a primary message from literally every prophet and teacher in the scriptures (ancient and modern). 

2. Maybe the focus of the two days has less to do with what Enos was doing (praying non-stop) and more with what he was struggling to do. Stopping and listen to the message that Heavenly Father has been trying to help us understand! This lesson is for me the point of the whole book of Enos. God is trying to tell us the same thing, the thing He's been trying to get through our head and into our heart from the beginning of all time. And our lesson is listen to Him. Trust His love for me, for those I love and for those I'm not so sure about. Trust His ability to save, trust Him. 

So Enos, I'm sorry I've been so hard on you. Thank you for recording your experience for what it can teach us about prayer and about listening. Next time I get to reread Enos or participate in a lesson about Him or teach it I'm excited to share this new perspective. If it helped me hopefully it'll help someone else too!